Has anybody here seen Equilibrium? That movie of Chrisitan Bale( Batman Begins) that tells a story of life without emotions! The movie was set in the future! And like all futuristic movies, the movie features hi tech gadgets with flying cars and everything! But unlike your futuristic movie where the central theme often revolves around the "Humans versus Machines" concept, this one depicts a war between humans and emotions!
In the movie, society puts the blame of human suffering to humans' very own emotions! It was assumed that the prescence of wars, rapes, crimes, and other evils stems from the fact that humans feel envy, anger, pride, love even, and all the other possible emotions one can feel! Human emotions were seen as the roots that bloom into life the rotten fruits which are human suffering! Cut away the roots and you see the plants of evil wilt to death! And so in this movie, thats what society did! Their government made human feelings a crime! Anyone that feels anything are arrested and persecuted!
The result was a progressive, evil free, cold society devoid of subjective purpose! Their society was even short of calling it a society! It was more like a machine! Man lives for the betterment of this machine. Not for his own! The family functions as a lubricant tasked to ensure the smooth operations of this machine! Indeed, it was situation I would never want to put myself into. After I watched the movie, I remember telling myself "This ought to remain just a movie"! Except sometimes...
There are times when I envy their society! There are times when I wish all my feelings away! This is especially true when I feel down and weak! I often wonder how someone can make me feel this way! I often ask myself why. And certainly, I point the blame to my emotions. It is my feelings for that person that is behind this weakness! It is my feelings for that person that makes me act different from what ought to be done! They are the armies of the heart that overpower the dictates of my brain! In present day philippine politics, they are the coup plotters!
I wish for it to die! But it dont die easily! I pour every bucket of water to kill its burning flame! But the more water I throw to it, the bigger it becomes! It seems that what I throw is not water but gasoline!
Maybe my mind is unprepared! Maybe my mind is not yet ready to kill this emotion! or Maybe it really does not want to!
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Changed me
"Nakukuha sa dasal yan"! With all the trillions of sound that entered my ears, passed through my auditory nerves as impulses, and reached my brain as a thought, this one is the most rejected by my heart! Never did I believe in it! Not once, not even a single nanosecond! Whenever someone say this words to me for the purpose of cushioning whatever fucked up situation ive put myself in to, i would just affirm it and respond with nice words like "oo nga", "salamat"! But in truth, my insides were struggling to piece together those 4 words in a logical sense! But in truth, my insides were struggling to prevent my mouth from going out of control and say "That's the most stupid response I've ever heard!"
But I would like to stress the verbal tense ive used before someone makes a big fuss about this. What I said above refers to the past! Now is different! I don't know what changed but recently, im starting to believe in the power of prayer! No, I have not seen an apparition appearing before my very eyes nor a statue flowing with tears nor what sort of a miracle have you! Unlike the others, I haven't experienced a special event which I can call the turning point of my life!
Before, due to the pressure my family or our culture in general is giving me, I feel OBLIGATED to follow the rules of my religion! I do follow them but in this liberal days of modernity, it is very hard to practice conservative beliefs! I am a muslim and we all know that Islam is a very conservative religion! The difficulty is aggravated by the fact that I now live in an environment that has a very stark contrast from the environment I used to live in! I now thrive in an environment that, considers the "forbiden things" in my religion as normal part of life and the normal part of life in my religion as forbidden! But though I sometimes go beyond the rules, I try my very best to live within them! Because I feel Obligated!
All that has changed! Now, I only practice that which I believe. But dont get me wrong, it does not mean that I've abandoned my religion. Its the fact that I've abandoned the old me! I left behind that part of myself that calls itself muslim just becuase he feels obligated to be one! All that was brought was that part that calls himself muslim because he has in his heart the true foundations of Islam! Now, I consider belief and obligation as one and the same thing!
As much as I can, I pray five times a day! Even if i dont have to ask God anything, I still pray! I dont know but prayer seems to make me feel better! I dont feel at ease when I miss any prayer! Now, if someone tells me "Magdasal ka na lang!", I would say Amen(pronounced as ahhhhmin) to that wholeheartedly!
But I would like to stress the verbal tense ive used before someone makes a big fuss about this. What I said above refers to the past! Now is different! I don't know what changed but recently, im starting to believe in the power of prayer! No, I have not seen an apparition appearing before my very eyes nor a statue flowing with tears nor what sort of a miracle have you! Unlike the others, I haven't experienced a special event which I can call the turning point of my life!
Before, due to the pressure my family or our culture in general is giving me, I feel OBLIGATED to follow the rules of my religion! I do follow them but in this liberal days of modernity, it is very hard to practice conservative beliefs! I am a muslim and we all know that Islam is a very conservative religion! The difficulty is aggravated by the fact that I now live in an environment that has a very stark contrast from the environment I used to live in! I now thrive in an environment that, considers the "forbiden things" in my religion as normal part of life and the normal part of life in my religion as forbidden! But though I sometimes go beyond the rules, I try my very best to live within them! Because I feel Obligated!
All that has changed! Now, I only practice that which I believe. But dont get me wrong, it does not mean that I've abandoned my religion. Its the fact that I've abandoned the old me! I left behind that part of myself that calls itself muslim just becuase he feels obligated to be one! All that was brought was that part that calls himself muslim because he has in his heart the true foundations of Islam! Now, I consider belief and obligation as one and the same thing!
As much as I can, I pray five times a day! Even if i dont have to ask God anything, I still pray! I dont know but prayer seems to make me feel better! I dont feel at ease when I miss any prayer! Now, if someone tells me "Magdasal ka na lang!", I would say Amen(pronounced as ahhhhmin) to that wholeheartedly!
Friday, May 27, 2005
Death to you!
you've got 18 more days left to live!
Im looking forward to the end!
Unpatiently, Im here waiting for it!
Patiently, time wheels too slow
but with every turn, comes the footsteps of death!
18 days and it'd be all over!
The dark days comes to an end!
A brighter tomorrow awaits!
The dark sun wlll forever set in the horizon
Never will it return!
Death to regrets! Death to your mediocre mind!
Goodbye failing self! the end of your life is near
Your end is a beginning! A beginning to a new world
Your cover is a door!! A door to a new journey!
Knock knock knock! Here comes death knocking at the door!
Im looking forward to the end!
Unpatiently, Im here waiting for it!
Patiently, time wheels too slow
but with every turn, comes the footsteps of death!
18 days and it'd be all over!
The dark days comes to an end!
A brighter tomorrow awaits!
The dark sun wlll forever set in the horizon
Never will it return!
Death to regrets! Death to your mediocre mind!
Goodbye failing self! the end of your life is near
Your end is a beginning! A beginning to a new world
Your cover is a door!! A door to a new journey!
Knock knock knock! Here comes death knocking at the door!
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Not "I could have done more"
There are times when I get angry at myself! The reason lies less on the things I did but more on the things I did not do! Or did not have the courage to do! Funny how something that did not exist or did not come into being can affect someone's emotions! I guess thats how life goes. Life is not perfect and you cant have them all!
Ive got no problem with that! With all the unpleasant things that happened to me in the past, Ive learned to accept and embrace the imperfect side of life! But thats not the thing that bleeds my heart the most! Its not the fact that I did not have what I want! Its the painful realization that I did not exert enough effort to have them!
Indeed, what can be more painful than a wound inflicted by your own on your own! What words can burn your heart more than "I could have done more"! Loooking back, what i can see are tiny specks of success floating in vagueness and blurred by the bright spotlight of my failures! Faliures that I know are avoidable. Failures that I fought using weapons of denial consisted mainly of what ifs and if onlys! If only I did this... If only I have this... If only I was there... What if this was not the case... etc etc etc... Rather than accepting responsibility, I blamed my failures to things outside my control! I blamed them to the innocent world!
Ive lived long enough in the "what if" mediocre world of the past! Its time to move on to the "I will" world of the future! Its about time I accept the whole me! Failures and imperfections included! Its about time I do everything to avoid saying "I could have done more" again! If i meet failure again, I'll say "I did it all!"
Ive got no problem with that! With all the unpleasant things that happened to me in the past, Ive learned to accept and embrace the imperfect side of life! But thats not the thing that bleeds my heart the most! Its not the fact that I did not have what I want! Its the painful realization that I did not exert enough effort to have them!
Indeed, what can be more painful than a wound inflicted by your own on your own! What words can burn your heart more than "I could have done more"! Loooking back, what i can see are tiny specks of success floating in vagueness and blurred by the bright spotlight of my failures! Faliures that I know are avoidable. Failures that I fought using weapons of denial consisted mainly of what ifs and if onlys! If only I did this... If only I have this... If only I was there... What if this was not the case... etc etc etc... Rather than accepting responsibility, I blamed my failures to things outside my control! I blamed them to the innocent world!
Ive lived long enough in the "what if" mediocre world of the past! Its time to move on to the "I will" world of the future! Its about time I accept the whole me! Failures and imperfections included! Its about time I do everything to avoid saying "I could have done more" again! If i meet failure again, I'll say "I did it all!"
Monday, May 23, 2005
Leaving on a JET Plane
Guess whos back! Back again! Badr's back, tell a friend! (Excerpts from an eminem song)! Forgive my "corniness" but as Im making this post, Im listening to an eminem music! Its been a while since I last made a post! If my memory serves me right (most of the time not), the last time I added something here was last month! Where have I been?
I've been to that place which most people dread! Ive been to that place more popularly known for its insurgency, wars, poverty, etc. Ive been to that place most people consider hell but which I call home! After two long years of missing, longing, and sometimes grieving, atlast I was able to set foot again in my hometown of Cotabato!
Last last sunday, I boarded a PAL 737 something whatever plane! Whew, plane nowadays are like germans, pronouncing their names are like playing a tongue twister game! I really didnt give a damn on what they call that plane as long as it was headed for Cotabato! Anyways, I was sitted next to a nun who was sitted on the side of the window! She was very friendly at first but I can see her patience wearing thin as the trip went by! Maybe because she was getting irritated whenever I take peek outside the window! ( which i have done not just 10 times)! I wasnt checking whether the plane was safely flying above ground zero, I was just looking for signs! Signs of familiar territory! Signs that im now flying above my motherland! The moment I saw the crystal blue waters and the greenish trees scattered on uneven grounds, I know I'm close! And the moment I smelled the light carbon monoxide-less air, I know I was!
Im not going to write a detailed account of my vacation as it will probably eat up all my blog's space! But what I can just say is it was the best set of experience ive had for this year! It was like my plane ride en route to cotabato! All fun! All excitement! none boredome! none nothingness! In the movies, the song leaving on a jet plane is usually played during scenes of separation where the actor is going away! In my own movie, that would be best played when I was coming back! coming back to manila! I was as down as the songs mood when I boarded my plane back to manila. I
I've been to that place which most people dread! Ive been to that place more popularly known for its insurgency, wars, poverty, etc. Ive been to that place most people consider hell but which I call home! After two long years of missing, longing, and sometimes grieving, atlast I was able to set foot again in my hometown of Cotabato!
Last last sunday, I boarded a PAL 737 something whatever plane! Whew, plane nowadays are like germans, pronouncing their names are like playing a tongue twister game! I really didnt give a damn on what they call that plane as long as it was headed for Cotabato! Anyways, I was sitted next to a nun who was sitted on the side of the window! She was very friendly at first but I can see her patience wearing thin as the trip went by! Maybe because she was getting irritated whenever I take peek outside the window! ( which i have done not just 10 times)! I wasnt checking whether the plane was safely flying above ground zero, I was just looking for signs! Signs of familiar territory! Signs that im now flying above my motherland! The moment I saw the crystal blue waters and the greenish trees scattered on uneven grounds, I know I'm close! And the moment I smelled the light carbon monoxide-less air, I know I was!
Im not going to write a detailed account of my vacation as it will probably eat up all my blog's space! But what I can just say is it was the best set of experience ive had for this year! It was like my plane ride en route to cotabato! All fun! All excitement! none boredome! none nothingness! In the movies, the song leaving on a jet plane is usually played during scenes of separation where the actor is going away! In my own movie, that would be best played when I was coming back! coming back to manila! I was as down as the songs mood when I boarded my plane back to manila. I
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