Changed me

"Nakukuha sa dasal yan"! With all the trillions of sound that entered my ears, passed through my auditory nerves as impulses, and reached my brain as a thought, this one is the most rejected by my heart! Never did I believe in it! Not once, not even a single nanosecond! Whenever someone say this words to me for the purpose of cushioning whatever fucked up situation ive put myself in to, i would just affirm it and respond with nice words like "oo nga", "salamat"! But in truth, my insides were struggling to piece together those 4 words in a logical sense! But in truth, my insides were struggling to prevent my mouth from going out of control and say "That's the most stupid response I've ever heard!"

But I would like to stress the verbal tense ive used before someone makes a big fuss about this. What I said above refers to the past! Now is different! I don't know what changed but recently, im starting to believe in the power of prayer! No, I have not seen an apparition appearing before my very eyes nor a statue flowing with tears nor what sort of a miracle have you! Unlike the others, I haven't experienced a special event which I can call the turning point of my life!

Before, due to the pressure my family or our culture in general is giving me, I feel OBLIGATED to follow the rules of my religion! I do follow them but in this liberal days of modernity, it is very hard to practice conservative beliefs! I am a muslim and we all know that Islam is a very conservative religion! The difficulty is aggravated by the fact that I now live in an environment that has a very stark contrast from the environment I used to live in! I now thrive in an environment that, considers the "forbiden things" in my religion as normal part of life and the normal part of life in my religion as forbidden! But though I sometimes go beyond the rules, I try my very best to live within them! Because I feel Obligated!

All that has changed! Now, I only practice that which I believe. But dont get me wrong, it does not mean that I've abandoned my religion. Its the fact that I've abandoned the old me! I left behind that part of myself that calls itself muslim just becuase he feels obligated to be one! All that was brought was that part that calls himself muslim because he has in his heart the true foundations of Islam! Now, I consider belief and obligation as one and the same thing!

As much as I can, I pray five times a day! Even if i dont have to ask God anything, I still pray! I dont know but prayer seems to make me feel better! I dont feel at ease when I miss any prayer! Now, if someone tells me "Magdasal ka na lang!", I would say Amen(pronounced as ahhhhmin) to that wholeheartedly!