Not "I could have done more"

There are times when I get angry at myself! The reason lies less on the things I did but more on the things I did not do! Or did not have the courage to do! Funny how something that did not exist or did not come into being can affect someone's emotions! I guess thats how life goes. Life is not perfect and you cant have them all!

Ive got no problem with that! With all the unpleasant things that happened to me in the past, Ive learned to accept and embrace the imperfect side of life! But thats not the thing that bleeds my heart the most! Its not the fact that I did not have what I want! Its the painful realization that I did not exert enough effort to have them!

Indeed, what can be more painful than a wound inflicted by your own on your own! What words can burn your heart more than "I could have done more"! Loooking back, what i can see are tiny specks of success floating in vagueness and blurred by the bright spotlight of my failures! Faliures that I know are avoidable. Failures that I fought using weapons of denial consisted mainly of what ifs and if onlys! If only I did this... If only I have this... If only I was there... What if this was not the case... etc etc etc... Rather than accepting responsibility, I blamed my failures to things outside my control! I blamed them to the innocent world!

Ive lived long enough in the "what if" mediocre world of the past! Its time to move on to the "I will" world of the future! Its about time I accept the whole me! Failures and imperfections included! Its about time I do everything to avoid saying "I could have done more" again! If i meet failure again, I'll say "I did it all!"